Last night, Bill Maher delivered a blistering final New Rule about what the matter with Kansas is.
And finally, New Rule: scientists must conduct a study to determine which is easier to distract — a cat with a laser pointer, or the American voter. (audience applause)
....
This is not just about Kansas. This is a national disease. An unholy alliance of easily distracted voters, and a shameful pandering media, which used to have the integrity to filter out shit like this. But today, what happens is the story ran in the local press, within hours Politico picked it up, and a day later, Meet the Press — yes, Meet the Press — further dignified the story by allowing Grover Norquist to talk about it, to say about Paul Davis that he is "not the kind of person you can ask your sister to vote for". (audience groans)
....
So let me get this straight, Kansas. Losing a billion dollars in revenue and having your credit rating downgraded — that, you can afford. Sam Brownback, who is to governing what Kanye West is to humility (audience laughter), he's tolerable. But the lap dance guy, that's a bridge too far!
OK, one last question, Kansas. You do understand — right? — that Paul Davis never touched the stripper, but Sam Brownback fucked your entire state.
And finally, New Rule: scientists must conduct a study to determine which is easier to distract — a cat with a laser pointer, or the American voter. (audience applause)
And if you think I'm exaggerating, please, come listen to my story about a man named Sam Brownback. Sam Brownback — I know — sounds like a gay black porn star. (audience laughter) But no, he is the Governor of Kansas, and he was swept into office in 2010 with a simple promise to provide "a shot of adrenaline into the heart of the Kansas economy". An unfortunate metaphor borrowed from Pulp Fiction, where he's a coked up hit-man, and Kansas is a junkie who's OD-ing on the floor. The only difference being, in the movie, the junkie lived.
The economy of Kansas, unfortunately, has not been so lucky. And all because Governor Brownback, like so many Republicans, refuses to give up on the long-discredited zombie lie...
(thunder and lightning)
zombie lie of trickle-down economics! He slashed taxes for the wealthy, and eliminated business taxes that were the state's primary source of revenue. And guess what? The state lost all its revenue, and crashed. Who could've predicted it, besides everyone? (audience laughter)
A $700 million dollar surplus became an over $300 million dollar deficit. Schools are so broke now, they have to lay off the janitors and replace them with raccoons. (audience laughter) Even Dorothy doesn't want to go home to Kansas now. (audience laughter)
Brownback's experiment was such a colossal failure, that in a state that hasn't voted for a Democratic Senator since the outhouse moved indoors, over 100 former Republican officials in Kansas endorsed the Democrat Paul Davis, who a month ago was a shoe-in to take over.
But then, something horrible happened. It was revealed that 16 years ago, when Paul Davis was an unmarried 26-year-old man, one night he went... to a strip club.
(audience laughter and applause)
And now good people all across this once great nation are asking, "What do we tell the children?" As their children sit in the next room watching Miley Cyrus do this.
OK, couple of things here. Paul Davis is just a guy who got a lap dance in his 20s! He's not Hannibal Lecter. This is not a scandal. There was no sex. There wasn't even whatever it was Anthony Weiner was doing! (audience laughter)
And it's not like Davis is a hypocrite who'd been running on an anti-booty platform. He promised to bring back jobs, not puritanism. Christ, newborn babies are less hung up on boobies!
But of course, it worked. Davis started to lose ground in the polls, so he apologized, saying he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yeah, Kansas. (audience laughter and applause)
But wait. I like Kansas, I go there. This is not just about Kansas. This is a national disease. An unholy alliance of easily distracted voters, and a shameful pandering media, which used to have the integrity to filter out shit like this. But today, what happens is the story ran in the local press, within hours Politico picked it up, and a day later, Meet the Press — yes, Meet the Press — further dignified the story by allowing Grover Norquist to talk about it, to say about Paul Davis that he is "not the kind of person you can ask your sister to vote for". (audience groans)
"Hey sis, I... nevermind."
Which led to the director of the Kansas Republicans saying about Davis, "The question becomes, is he fit to govern?" Fit to govern? Because a lady touched his pants with her ass two years before the invention of the iPod? (audience laughter)
What? Here's the anti-Davis ad that's running now.
With past behavior like this, imagine what the future would hold.
What? What would the future hold? He's going to take the entire Kansas budget, and go down to the strip club and make it rain?? (audience laughter and applause)
Another ad in Kansas says:
NARRATOR: Paul Davis — Behavior Kansas can't afford.
So let me get this straight, Kansas. Losing a billion dollars in revenue and having your credit rating downgraded — that, you can afford. Sam Brownback, who is to governing what Kanye West is to humility (audience laughter), he's tolerable. But the lap dance guy, that's a bridge too far!
OK, one last question, Kansas. You do understand — right? — that Paul Davis never touched the stripper, but Sam Brownback fucked your entire state.