Washington, July 20th, 2008

Presidential Candidate John McCain held a press conference today to clarify his response to Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki's statement that:

"U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama talks about 16 months. That would be the right timeframe for a withdrawal... with slight changes."

Initially Senator McCain said, "(al-Maliki's) domestic politics require him to be for us getting out," but that drew fire from some who wondered how the Senator from Arizona could work with the al-Maliki if he couldn't take him at his word.

"With the Iraqi Prime Minister you need to ignore what he actually says, my friends, and listen instead to what WE say he says," The Republican candidate began.

the revolution will be stoked by a grey-bearded man who emerged from six years of prison with the clear understanding that power is seeing into action what has been promised with mere words...

Hey, live from Netroots Nation here!

I'm no good at typing fast so there will probably be a lot of mistakes, but even though I had to go through a full-body cavity search and sign a loyalty pledge (and agree to allow my phone and my email and my private thoughts to be tapped) I wouldn't have missed this opportunity for the world!

First let me say that I'm VERY impressed with the thirty foot tall ice sculpture of Progressive Heroes of the Twentieth Century, though I almost came to blows with Giselle Bundchen over whether or not Bill Clinton should have been part of the display.

Are those articles of impeachment in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Dear David Remnick, Editor, New Yorker:

Dude, I've ben thinking about a hysterical piece of cover art.

What if I did one of those evolutionary charts, showing how primitive man evolved into modern man, but where the missing link is supposed to go... I drew Barack Obama! It could be ironic, y'know, and show how SOME think black people are a lower form of human life!

Oh! And I could draw it so the last figure... the most evolved... looks like John McCain!

Huh? Huh? Funny?

Tell me what you think?

Love,

Barry Blitt, illustrator

INT. CAR - AFTER SUNDAY BASKETBALL - AFTERNOON

"Daddy, what's that sign say?"

"Huh?"

"That sign. What's it say?"

I turn, seeing a rail-thin young woman standing under a palm tree in the median on Santa Monica Blvd.

"It says... 'Need food. Can you help?'"

"What, Daddy?"

"It says, 'Need food, Can you help?'"

This little tale likely has NO political value whatsoever.

Please forgive me in advance.

In an attempt to help fellow Republican John McCain, President Bush issued and executive order this week formally changing the Merriam-Webster definition of the world "Maverick" from "a person with independence of thought or action, a non-conformist" to a "corporatist, faux-religious centrist, bootlicking, warmonger, willing to change positions and deceive the public into voting against their own self-interest".

The McCain camp, in turn, responded with gratitude, campaign manager Rick Davis issuing a statement that reads, "As we've stated from the beginning there is no one more all warm and maverciky than the Senior Senator from Arizona."

Dear Bill and Katherine:

I know we discussed you and your family coming to stay with us in Los Angeles, but I'm sad to say that our house is in the middle of foreclosure and by the time you get here, we will likely be homeless. FORTUNATELY, as Phil Gramm of the McCain campaign has stated, this is simply a mental depression and, as such, I have gone and imagined myself a four bedroom house with a pool in Beverly Hills! Therefore, if you'd like to mentally come stay at my imaginary house... just call our brain-butler Frank and he'll feed our newly imagined unicorn, Sparkles, so he's nice and strong to give your children a flying ride!

Due to Republican John S. McCain's recent troubles mastering the teleprompter, the Senator's campaign has organized a crack team of linguists, copy-editors, and speechwriters to publish "corrections" on the internet and in emails to press following all of his appearances. The first of these speech rectifications was issued this morning...

President Barack Obama will not lower your cholesterol.

He will not personally show up in your bathroom to give you a bikini wax.

And he will not inspire the local Catholic Church to start handing out “The Pope respects BOTH your reproductive choices and your gay lover!” bumper stickers...

In a major shift in policy today, Barack Obama, who has vowed all election season to have a salad, instead ordered a large bowl of lettuce along with tomato slices, cucumbers, carrot shavings, a hard boiled egg, as well as cut up pieces of ham, salami and cheese.

The Republican party, understandably, jumped on this shocking change in strategy:

THIS ELECTION IS GOING TO BE A BARN BURNER SO DON'T YOU TURN OFF CNN AND CNBC AND MSNBC BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'LL BE REALLY, REALLY SORRY AND YOU'LL BE THE LAST TO KNOW SOMETHING YOU WISH YOU WERE THE FIRST TO KNOW!

SERIOUSLY THIS ELECTION IS ESSENTIALLY TIED AND IF YOU TURN OFF THAT TELEVISION YOU MAY DIE OF "NOT KNOWING SOMETHING" DISEASE WHICH IS VERY PAINFUL AND TOTALLY EMBARRASSING... WORSE EVEN THAN THAT TIME IN HIGH SCHOOL WHEN YOU WENT OUT FOR GYM WITHOUT PUTTING YOUR SHORTS ON.

…is the title of this"blog" promoted to the front page a few days ago by the Deep Thinkers™ at RedState.com.

Now, normally I try to ignore this merry band of irrelevant political self-satisfiers with the cognitive abilities and readership the size of a family of decapitated squirrels, BUT when they choose to endorse a chin-high pile of intellectual manure… well… lets take a look:

Her name is Elaine May and she's fantastic.

Reds. Tootsie. Heaven Can Wait.

Really, really smart. Unbelievably witty.

I'd sell my writers soul to be her for a week.

And all her qualifications, Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman, and 34 million dollars couldn't save it from being a disaster one thousand times worse then your 3rd grade school photos.

(The one with the "butt-cut" and the wide collared shirt.)

Which is why the Clark dust-up is both irrelevant and a trap.

CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. (June 26) - A millionaire who inflicted years of abuse on two Indonesian housekeepers held as virtual slaves in her Long Island mansion was sentenced Thursday. The victims testified that they were beaten with brooms and umbrellas, slashed with knives, and forced to climb stairs and take freezing showers as punishment. One victim was forced to eat chili peppers against her will, then was forced to eat her own vomit when she couldn't keep the peppers down, prosecutors said.

Ralph Nader on Barack Obama:

"There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American," Nader told the paper.

"Whether that will make any difference, I don't know. I haven't heard him have a strong crackdown on economic exploitation in the ghettos. Payday loans, predatory lending, asbestos, lead. What's keeping him from doing that?"

"Is it because he wants to talk white?"